Dad,
You and mom gave me my first "real" Christmas when I was 16 years old. I woke up in the morning of December 25th 2001 to a brightly lit christmas tree in the living room. my stocking was hanging in front of the fireplace. It was filled with candies, chocolates and little things that made me feel so loved.
Under the tree were gifts, tons and tons of gifts. I was ecstatic and happy. Christmas has been my favourite since then.
I like everything that reminds me of that special day: Christmas carols (even stupid commercial music), sparkly lights and lots and lots of presents. I always wanted to have another christmas just like the one we had years ago.
Last year you offer to fly me back to the US. I wanted to come and have my second "real" Christmas. I regret my practical decision not to come. If I knew that that would have been my last christmas with you.... Oh dad, I really wish I said yes.
So this Christmas is my second "real" christmas. Dad, you would have enjoyed it so much. We all piled up in our cars heading down to Myrtle Beach just like the way you wanted. We had a Christmas tree in the penthouse where Grandmomma, Mr.D, Uncle Frank, Cindy and Rob stayed. We put up Grandmomma's ornaments and fixed the tree up nicely. Mom and I brought so many gifts for the kids we had to make an extra trip unloading them from your car. Sure enough that made the kids very happy. Jerami and Dawn came too. Jerami cooked us delicious dinner and breakfast. Mom made us waffles one morning. You would have gone for a second round!
I gave mom a pair of slippers, 'cos her old pair has a hole in it. She is still wearing it; maybe because you bought them for her. I also adopted a sea turtle for you and mom. Another baby! If you're out there swimming, dad, would you say hi to the one that belong to you and mom?
Mom gave me a set of cookware. They are so amazing and pretty. I guess I have to learn how to cook now. Or maybe I should pick up baking skills. You said my pound cake was one of the best ones you had.
We came back home today. It had snowed real hard while we were away. Bart was so nice; he ran his tractor through our driveway so it wasn't icy when we got back. Everyone is taking good care of us, dad. You don't have to worry. We still miss you though. Mom misses you so much her heart hurts. I miss you a lot too.
We saw a pelican at the beach one day. He was just standing there hanging out with us. Mom thought he could have been you checking out on us. I don't know where you are. I couldn't answer mom when she asked me. You seem to be everywhere though. To mom. To me. To all of us. In the ocean, up in the sky, hiding in the crowd.
I hope you are well wherever you are. Mom's worried about you, but I think you are doing ok. Maybe you'll come by and let us know? I don't know how long it takes for you to get to us. If you are trying to do that, please know that we'll be happy to hear from you whenever.
Merry Christmas, my magnificent one. You are always in my heart. I love you so much.
P.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Heart of glass
One of my all-time favorite books called "The History of Love" by Nicole Krauss talks about the Age of Glass. "During the Age of Glass, everyone believed some part of him or her to be extremely fragile. For some it was a hand, for others a femur, yet others believed it was their noses that were made of glass."
For the past week, I've come to realized that my heart may have made of glass.
A glass that is sitting half way on the edge of a table, with a single motion, it will cause my heart to tip over and shatter in pieces.
I do not believe that it has anything to do with strength, just a lot to do with fear. Do you remember when you were little, and you got to drink from a "real glass" for the first time, instead of a cheap plastic cup? Holding that weighty glass, you feel like a real grown up, and for a second, you realize what comes with the territory. You could drop it and cut your toes. And you do NOT want to drop a glass on your toe, because it hurts like hell.
For the past week, I've come to realized that my heart may have made of glass.
A glass that is sitting half way on the edge of a table, with a single motion, it will cause my heart to tip over and shatter in pieces.
I do not believe that it has anything to do with strength, just a lot to do with fear. Do you remember when you were little, and you got to drink from a "real glass" for the first time, instead of a cheap plastic cup? Holding that weighty glass, you feel like a real grown up, and for a second, you realize what comes with the territory. You could drop it and cut your toes. And you do NOT want to drop a glass on your toe, because it hurts like hell.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Fantastica Los Angeles
Sometimes life takes you by surprise. In the darkest of night, there're always stars.
Sometimes I am so drown in my own head that I forget I am living in one of the greatest place in the world. ( I haven't always felt this way about Los Angeles, but here it is, growing on me)
The past few weeks have been the most eventful since I've been here. One night in Pre-production class, we had the great talent, Buddy Bregman, as our guest speaker. I was one for mezmerizing about the good ol' days of glamourous hollywood. That whole class... I was right there with him, having tea with the Beatles in BBC studio, playing piano arranging music for Ella Fitzgerald, rubbing up against Frank Sinatra at a party. It was such a beautiful dream.
The following weekend, I was sitting in the theatre watching Insomnia and The Dark Knight, both directed by Christopher Nolan. The director himself appeared on stage and talked about his new film Inception. I was over the moon. Life threw me a bone, and I happily savour til the last minute of it all.
It is the land of possibility. As I had told myself back in the day, in the yellow bedroom where the plane always flew over my head taking people home, I told myself to keep my eyes open. Feeling sad is a luxury I can't afford right now. When eyes are full of tears, they won't see anything else but tears.
As Charlie Chaplin had written, also Michael Jackson's favourite song, " Smile"
Sometimes I am so drown in my own head that I forget I am living in one of the greatest place in the world. ( I haven't always felt this way about Los Angeles, but here it is, growing on me)
The past few weeks have been the most eventful since I've been here. One night in Pre-production class, we had the great talent, Buddy Bregman, as our guest speaker. I was one for mezmerizing about the good ol' days of glamourous hollywood. That whole class... I was right there with him, having tea with the Beatles in BBC studio, playing piano arranging music for Ella Fitzgerald, rubbing up against Frank Sinatra at a party. It was such a beautiful dream.
The following weekend, I was sitting in the theatre watching Insomnia and The Dark Knight, both directed by Christopher Nolan. The director himself appeared on stage and talked about his new film Inception. I was over the moon. Life threw me a bone, and I happily savour til the last minute of it all.
It is the land of possibility. As I had told myself back in the day, in the yellow bedroom where the plane always flew over my head taking people home, I told myself to keep my eyes open. Feeling sad is a luxury I can't afford right now. When eyes are full of tears, they won't see anything else but tears.
As Charlie Chaplin had written, also Michael Jackson's favourite song, " Smile"
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Almost full moon.
Driving home today, I saw a huge full moon and a thought came to mind.
Years ago I saw a japanese animation called "Millennium Actress". I don't remember much of the story, but one thing that has stuck in mind ever since is the dialogue about "the almost full moon". One of the characters said "I like to look up in the sky on the night before the full moon. You know then that tomorrow it's going to be a full moon. After that, the moon will shrink little by little, and it will be gone." ... Not those exact words, but I think back on it every time I look at the moon.
Hope, I think it's what that character was talking about. It's a luxury and a privilege for one to have hope, no matter how big or small. When a question is yet to be answered, there's always a chance of it being yes, as well as a no. Hope. It is such a wonderful thing.
I just finished reading a script today, as part of my final exam to come up with its marketing plan. The story is about a corrupted man meeting a woman whom everything about her screams goodness. Of course, they fall in love, and, of course, he now wants to become a better man for her. Hope is what he finds in her, a possibility of a better way, a better life, of becoming a better man.
There are so many films talking about hope, shedding lights on it from so many different angles. To have it, to hold on to it, to give up on it or even to imagine it.
My mom said to me, just a week ago when I let slip a tiny bit of disspointment over things not working out, she said "don't expect too much out of people (and the world) or you'll get yourself hurt". For years, with those consoling mantra, I thought she was ripping out my soul and trying to convert me into a cynic. But I guess she was right in a way. Expectation ruins things sometimes. And if you look close enough there's a fine line between expecting and hoping. Until I'm smart enough to distinguish those two, I'd settle for being a romantic cynic for now. If there's such a thing in this world.
Years ago I saw a japanese animation called "Millennium Actress". I don't remember much of the story, but one thing that has stuck in mind ever since is the dialogue about "the almost full moon". One of the characters said "I like to look up in the sky on the night before the full moon. You know then that tomorrow it's going to be a full moon. After that, the moon will shrink little by little, and it will be gone." ... Not those exact words, but I think back on it every time I look at the moon.
Hope, I think it's what that character was talking about. It's a luxury and a privilege for one to have hope, no matter how big or small. When a question is yet to be answered, there's always a chance of it being yes, as well as a no. Hope. It is such a wonderful thing.
I just finished reading a script today, as part of my final exam to come up with its marketing plan. The story is about a corrupted man meeting a woman whom everything about her screams goodness. Of course, they fall in love, and, of course, he now wants to become a better man for her. Hope is what he finds in her, a possibility of a better way, a better life, of becoming a better man.
There are so many films talking about hope, shedding lights on it from so many different angles. To have it, to hold on to it, to give up on it or even to imagine it.
My mom said to me, just a week ago when I let slip a tiny bit of disspointment over things not working out, she said "don't expect too much out of people (and the world) or you'll get yourself hurt". For years, with those consoling mantra, I thought she was ripping out my soul and trying to convert me into a cynic. But I guess she was right in a way. Expectation ruins things sometimes. And if you look close enough there's a fine line between expecting and hoping. Until I'm smart enough to distinguish those two, I'd settle for being a romantic cynic for now. If there's such a thing in this world.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Change. Have we really changed?
I've been following heart-breaking news of Bangkok for the past week. I have to admit that at first, long before things got this (obviously) bad, I had a side.
I despised the former prime minister who put my beloved country in jeopardy for his own good. I got angry at the rumors and news that he's been insulting the King who has worked so hard for the past 60 years (I won't get into the part where I also see him as a human-being, not perfect, of course, but undeniably has sacrificed his life to the glory of the world's hardest working king). I agreed with the coup that took away political power, ok.. LESSEN political power, of a corrupted man. And I thought I was on the right side.
I can see now that there are too many sides. And as far as being RIGHT goes, who am I to say what's right? I don't have all the informations. NOBODY has all the information now even to say who did what, who's planning what. I realize now that it doesn't even matter what I think. What matters is now my hometown has turned into a war zone. There are far too many people holding on to the idea that they are right, so much that they are willing to shed blood of those who they believe they are wrong. There are enemies among us. How did that even happen?
The way I see it is that if you enjoy a person's death, if you celebrate the loss of another human's life, that puts you in a really bad position. A flag is needed to be raised. It is not normal! We are not gladiators who take away the opponent's lives for survival. We can survive without killing each other!!
It's true that it will pain me to see our country does not do well economically, or even diplomatically. However, what will shred my heart to pieces is to witness Thai people hunt other Thais down just to justify their cause. May I say again? It's not right!
Death is a part of life, so is compassion. Without it, we'd be laughing at each other in the face when life gets tough. And it does get tough. Disease, illness, natural disaster, not to mention mistakes in life we keep making. Are we reverting back to the animals we were thousands of years ago when we didn't know better?
Own our revolution! Be the human we are made to be. What's the point in hurting and killing? Life is short enough as it is.
I despised the former prime minister who put my beloved country in jeopardy for his own good. I got angry at the rumors and news that he's been insulting the King who has worked so hard for the past 60 years (I won't get into the part where I also see him as a human-being, not perfect, of course, but undeniably has sacrificed his life to the glory of the world's hardest working king). I agreed with the coup that took away political power, ok.. LESSEN political power, of a corrupted man. And I thought I was on the right side.
I can see now that there are too many sides. And as far as being RIGHT goes, who am I to say what's right? I don't have all the informations. NOBODY has all the information now even to say who did what, who's planning what. I realize now that it doesn't even matter what I think. What matters is now my hometown has turned into a war zone. There are far too many people holding on to the idea that they are right, so much that they are willing to shed blood of those who they believe they are wrong. There are enemies among us. How did that even happen?
The way I see it is that if you enjoy a person's death, if you celebrate the loss of another human's life, that puts you in a really bad position. A flag is needed to be raised. It is not normal! We are not gladiators who take away the opponent's lives for survival. We can survive without killing each other!!
It's true that it will pain me to see our country does not do well economically, or even diplomatically. However, what will shred my heart to pieces is to witness Thai people hunt other Thais down just to justify their cause. May I say again? It's not right!
Death is a part of life, so is compassion. Without it, we'd be laughing at each other in the face when life gets tough. And it does get tough. Disease, illness, natural disaster, not to mention mistakes in life we keep making. Are we reverting back to the animals we were thousands of years ago when we didn't know better?
Own our revolution! Be the human we are made to be. What's the point in hurting and killing? Life is short enough as it is.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The longest day.
It was a crazy day for me yesterday. I was out over in Glendora (east of LA) filling in for a friend waiting tables at another Thai restaurant. Of course, the pay hardly covers the gas and expense, but that's what friends do, right?
Anyways, I worked there from 10.30 am - 2.30 pm., drove back to west LA (that's 40 minutes on I-10, straight from east to west) , didn't even have time to shower as I intended to (it was a surprisingly warm day -- in the 80's) got changed and printed out homework and headed to campus.
I got on campus at 5pm which was 30 mins late for my group meeting for the presentation we were working on for the marketing class. Ninety minutes of chatting and debating later, it was time for class. Three speakers and amazing marketing discussion left me mentally drained and starved to death. I swear I could have fainted. Oh, I actually bumped my leg to a chair on the way out of class. That's how my brain stops functioning.
So I accepted an invitation to late supper with two other girls from my group. One happens to have been in LA for five years. We had so much fun talking (alright, GOSSIPING) about certain celebrities. ... I must put great emphasis on this... because it's the BEST part of my incredibly long day... So we were talking about one particular star and how his marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, well actually it's a bunch of law-abiding business contract, which confirmed my suspicion about the guy. So it went on to how his bride came about by an audition, yes an audition! And a question pops up in my head. So if this so-called wife of his, a mother of his child even, is in fact not his lover. I wonder who would be his type??? Then while three ladies were having soup, our minds had gone to such different places. It was hilarious, because we kept coming up with the most ridiculous, but vivid fantasy version of his lovers. I couldn't stop laughing.
So here you go, guys. Nothing is a better cure than laughter. You should try it sometimes :)
Anyways, I worked there from 10.30 am - 2.30 pm., drove back to west LA (that's 40 minutes on I-10, straight from east to west) , didn't even have time to shower as I intended to (it was a surprisingly warm day -- in the 80's) got changed and printed out homework and headed to campus.
I got on campus at 5pm which was 30 mins late for my group meeting for the presentation we were working on for the marketing class. Ninety minutes of chatting and debating later, it was time for class. Three speakers and amazing marketing discussion left me mentally drained and starved to death. I swear I could have fainted. Oh, I actually bumped my leg to a chair on the way out of class. That's how my brain stops functioning.
So I accepted an invitation to late supper with two other girls from my group. One happens to have been in LA for five years. We had so much fun talking (alright, GOSSIPING) about certain celebrities. ... I must put great emphasis on this... because it's the BEST part of my incredibly long day... So we were talking about one particular star and how his marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, well actually it's a bunch of law-abiding business contract, which confirmed my suspicion about the guy. So it went on to how his bride came about by an audition, yes an audition! And a question pops up in my head. So if this so-called wife of his, a mother of his child even, is in fact not his lover. I wonder who would be his type??? Then while three ladies were having soup, our minds had gone to such different places. It was hilarious, because we kept coming up with the most ridiculous, but vivid fantasy version of his lovers. I couldn't stop laughing.
So here you go, guys. Nothing is a better cure than laughter. You should try it sometimes :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
life before me
The other day I was having dinner at a cafe in westwood village near campus. While I was sitting at my table waiting for my food, the old lady sitting a couple of tables away from me started humming. I didn't recognize what song it was, it mightn't have been anything at all, just a tune that came up to her mind. I couldn't help but wonder. I came up with different scenarios in my head.
She could have been a really famous performer (after all it is hollywood), the song was her masterpiece. She was reliving the good old days when she was singing under the spotlight. The crowd was cheering and applauding this beautiful talented woman. She was filled with pride as though she was walking on air.
It could have been the song of her first dance with her late husband. The song reminded her of the wedding day or maybe her first date...
It could have been her favourite song in the old days which she would sing with her girlfriends in the car.
Many stories unfold in my head. None of them might have been the case at all, but what I kept thinking was that this old lady has another life that I don't know about or none of the people in that cafe knew about. we all encounter each other with stories of our lives that only ourselves know the beginning, the middle and the end.
That's what fascinating about people. At least for me anyway.
She could have been a really famous performer (after all it is hollywood), the song was her masterpiece. She was reliving the good old days when she was singing under the spotlight. The crowd was cheering and applauding this beautiful talented woman. She was filled with pride as though she was walking on air.
It could have been the song of her first dance with her late husband. The song reminded her of the wedding day or maybe her first date...
It could have been her favourite song in the old days which she would sing with her girlfriends in the car.
Many stories unfold in my head. None of them might have been the case at all, but what I kept thinking was that this old lady has another life that I don't know about or none of the people in that cafe knew about. we all encounter each other with stories of our lives that only ourselves know the beginning, the middle and the end.
That's what fascinating about people. At least for me anyway.
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